The Past #1 - Accidental AwesomeI haven't had much to say about myself lately that gets categorized as
personal, so these blogs haven't been seeing a lot of action - and I
feel bad about this. I feel bad for excluding you, the reader, from
the awesome which is everything that surrounds, touches, parallels or
gains insight into it.
So I was thinking - maybe it's time to put a few events of my past
down onto paper. I never did before, even as they happened because
they were events which made up landmarks of awesome throughout my
awesomeness which are now deprecated due to newer, more grandiose
happenings of awesome. This explains why the stories are not
particularly awesome - despite my current life being so.
When you're this awesome, you'll understand. Here goes;
My first year of University was pretty wild - and though I say first
year of Uni what I really mean is the year I spent on a course I hated
before I dropped out and started on a course I really loved.
Course aside, that year was a party year - I had gone out that night
with the usual suspect. Edd, a red headed well built guy. I say this
with a degree of shame but me and him really could dance. Anyway - we
arrive at our usual nightspot, a place picked partly through a desire
for alcohol but mostly due to our extremely undeveloped abilities to
filter good bars from god-awful ones. This place was, and remains to
be a shit hole. Though it had always been a shit hole with gimmicks.
That night being no exception, unbeknownst to us that night was a 'Jackass' night - we had all been giving raffle tickets on entry and during the night
numbers were called for people to come forwards, their task - to run a
small trolley from the dance floor to behind the bar, fill it with
alcohol and run back in a minute, the prize being able to keep
whatever their trolley contained for consumption at their will.
First number, first guy - the whole venue watches as the dude gets
torn apart by the bar staff. I mean, seriously, it was pretty brutal.
Covering him in icy water and hosing him with the water taps, kicking
his trolley over. He came out drenched with nothing to show for it.
Second number, second guy. Same story. I was starting to feel pretty
sorry for anyone who got called up for this as the bar staff have
rather obviously entered into a contractual agreement to not let
anyone near their alcohol and that any effort was to be made to
prevent someone from leaving the bar area with anything. Whoever went
on that challenge was in for trouble. Then they called the next number
and would you fucking believe it, I was up.
Back then I lacked the same confidence I have now, I was a weedy
little 19 year old nerd stood behind a dumb little plastic trolley
with the whole venue counting down for me to start, the bar staff
grinning like jackals as the hapless prey revved himself into stealing
as much of their loot as possible.
Go.
I don't know what happened but I instantly became badass. I smashed a
few bottles that were jolted out of my trolley by grabbing them
mid-air and throwing them over my shoulder. I wrestled a water hose
off a bar member and hosed the whole bar, it's staff and then members
of the audience down, I stuffed my trolley full of alcohol and near
picked it up and ran with it. Effectively cheating - something which
the staff tried to campaign come the end of my run, to no avail.
The rest of the night I was some form of injured legend, soaking wet
and sat in the corner of the venue with some friends and several
people I didn't know helping themselves to my free booze by my
permission. That night I also made out with a very old friends ex
girlfriend who I'd fancied for ages.
What an awesome night. I am still a little proud, because it genuinely
was as awesome as it sounds, not to mention pretty much an accident.
-Matt
